Monthly Archive for July, 2006

We told you that we love musicians, so you went out and started your own death metal band. We claimed to appreciate a good sense of humor, so you brushed up on your "guy walks into a bar" repertoire. We’ve given you reasons to believe that it’s what you know, not what you look like that we regard highly. Still, we’re as guilty as you for checking out a nicely packaged member of the opposite sex.

Studies conducted by women's magazines over the years reveal that women are in favor of personality. A good sense of humor will surely win the heart of a good woman. But who here has ever spotted someone across the room and said, "Hey, look at the sense of humor on that one?" Perhaps these women are keeping the future in mind, when she hopes her man will be amused rather than disgusted when her tits become floppier than a basset hound‘s ears. More likely, the editors of these magazines are aware of the male readership and have slanted the results to make them feel adequate.

The tables are cruelly turned in your average men’s magazine. While women studies may be tailored to pacify men, guys openly ogle scantily clad, well-built ladies. These photos, while fun to look at, reduce a regular girl to an emotional basket case. The basket cases set impossibly high standards for themselves based on what they believe you really want. Yes, guys are visually stimulated creatures and do tend to judge potential partners by cover than by content. But well-adjusted women know that you need more than a pretty face and a tight ass to keep you coming around. That’s where the kinky sex tricks come into play. Of course, all of that goes out the window on a Friday night drinking binge. Then it’s whoever, wherever.

Eventually the cute dimples give way to road map wrinkles, but you're stuck with your personality forever. For the most part, women hope that it's a good one. If a woman intends to bed you, you must have some redeeming quality. A nice guy attitude will get you further than being an asshole, especially if you’re short on looks. Girls can justify sleeping with handsome hunks and lovable losers. We loathe men who are overly self-confident, snide, and have the face of a pimply ass.

But looks are somewhat of a factor. In recent years, men have taken more of an interest in their own appearances. With men presenting themselves in better fashions, women are taking notice. A well-dressed guy stands a better chance of scoring than a guy in a faded Metallica shirt and ripped jeans. Even if you weren’t blessed with good genes, you can make up for it with clean jeans.

It’s an established fact that women crave substance. Let's be honest, with that biological clock ticking, personality may not be the substance girls are necessarily looking for. A woman who's looking to conceive a child may be less picky about her suitor's appearance as long as he's in good working order. Those of us who are not likely to marry or bear children are free to seek out other qualities such as money, fame, looks, or sterility. So, what's more important: personality or looks? Neither and both. As with everything, there are some exceptions. It's all a matter of taste, I guess. Practice good hygiene, read a few books, and pray that luck is on your side. If you feel yourself drawn to someone, chalk it up to chemistry. Or anatomy. Or biology. Just try not to dissect your date before you get to first base.

In a perfect world, her family would welcome you into their home with open arms. Having heard glorious praises in your name, they would offer you a permanent invitation to all family functions, where everyone else would rave over you. Her father would allow you to sit in his big papa chair and insist you join him at all major sporting events. His mother would become fast friends with you and take you on pleasant shopping excursions. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world.

In reality, meeting your significant's parental units is quite possibly the most excruciating step in a relationship . Schedule a root canal for the following day and it will seem like child's play in comparison. No amount of impressive gifts or brushing up on family history can prepare you for this event. The one thing you can count on is that the parents will hate you.

While your beloved thinks you are perfection personified, her parents will be searching for anything to hold against you. From the moment they open the door, all eyes will be on you and flaw detectors will be powered up. After all, you are dating (and hopefully nothing more) their precious baby. The golden child, fruit of their loins, a treasure of which you are not worthy. To them, you are a criminal (you did steal their little girl's heart) and must be stopped at any cost. Maybe it isn't that extreme, but you may want to watch for land mines on the way to the washroom. In any case, parents will always believe that no one is good enough for their precious virginal prize.

The meeting invitation will most likely be set for dinner. Dinner sounds harmless, right? If you've been asked to go to a restaurant, a smooth evening may be ahead. Going out for dinner, as you may have learned on many first dates, provides plenty of distractions; waiters disrupting conversations, menus to hide behind, and a cleverly planned bout of food poisoning could clear you from any heavy-duty conversation. If you've been invited to the house for dinner, you're screwed.

Dinner at the house (home of the dominant parent, if divorce is the case) is not simply a meal shared among family and new friends; it is a test of survival. Mom conveniently starts cooking as soon as you arrive. It will undoubtedly be a grand feast, one requiring several hours of preparation. After the initial greetings and chitchat, a verbal metal detector if you will, comes the interrogation. The interrogation room appears to be a friendly living room filled with knick-knacks and photos of your beloved in various growth spurts. Take a seat on the largest couch, in plain view of Dad, maintaining one seat cushion distance between you and your love. Anything closer will receive disapproving looks. At this point, dinner will be in the oven, so Mom may join the interrogation. Any siblings or other family members will be out of sight.

The interrogation will feel much like a job interview. Where are you from, where did you go to school, are your parents still together, how did you two meet, what makes you think you're any good for our bundle of joy? You may want to edit out any unpleasant information like being raised by a pack of wolves or that you met their daughter in the video section of a seedy adult store.

Once you have satisfactorily answered all the questions, dinner will be ready. All siblings, visiting family members, and pets will pour out of the woodwork to meet you. Here you will be introduced to Humpy the poodle who hasn't been neutered, the religious grandmother, and a married sibling who was lucky enough to find someone to pass all the tests. You will immediately seek a bond with this other outsider and fail.

After dinner, while you repeatedly check your watch and give your love signs that you're ready to leave, the parents will offer entertainment. The rest of the characters mysteriously vanish. The parents drag out old photo albums with more photos of your love at various stages in her life. This serves two purposes, to embarrass their child and to test your knowledge. There will be strategically placed photos of an old flame the parents will refer to as "that nice boy/girl you let slip away" and will follow up with "what happened to him/her?" Your beloved should use this chance to talk you up. This is the closing argument for acceptance.

Finally, the parents have grown tired of you. They thank you for coming; you thank them for having you. They tell their child that they will call tomorrow. You know the call will seal your fate with them.

Can't bear the thought of rejection? Beg your beloved not to mention you to her parents. Hire a stand-in for family functions. Failing that, make a vow to only date orphans.

You may try to beat the odds, but relationships inevitably fail. Sometimes it ends because your partner likes to wear your underwear or insists on using sock puppets as sex toys. But sometimes you can blame it on body chemistry.

Kick off the stiletto heels and cancel the plastic surgery, take a shower instead. Apparently, we have glands that produce this stuff called pheromones, which if used correctly, can attract a new lover better than any tight sweater.

Pheromone is the term for that certain odor emitted to alert passers-by of our sexual availability. The scent is released through the armpits, but no amount of deodorant can mask it. Let that be your excuse next time you forget to take a shower.

Scientists have been aware of the subliminal scent in animals and insects for years. In recent years they discovered humans are also driven by odors. Certain odors can accelerate puberty, control the menstrual cycle, influence sexual orientation, and tell you when it’s time to do laundry.

Research says the chemical structure of these pheromones is unknown. Studies have failed to determine whether men exude pheromones that affect fertility. One theory holds that simultaneous ovulation in a group of women helped in prehistoric times to promote genetic diversity, since one man couldn’t impregnate everyone in the group (though Lord knows he tried).

Unattractive women can rest knowing that she still has a chance with men as long as they have clear nasal passages. The smells of copulins (volatile fatty acids in their vaginal secretions… blech) make optical attractiveness less of a factor for males. So does taking off his glasses and stepping on them.

Insects have been using their pheromones for mating purposes for years. A female of the codling moth raises her abdomen, protruding her sex gland, and takes this calling posture for a short period in the early evening hours. Codling moth males casting through the apple orchards will eventually be caught in the plume of a calling female, get aroused and steer upwind until they find her and mate with her. Human males casting through the streets after midnight may be caught in the plumage of a female from a different calling.

Body chemistry changes as you grow older. Sometimes your pH might not be balanced. Like magnets, you’ll find that your partner’s ‘mones repel you rather than attract . I’m fairly certain that my current relationship might be based on body chemistry. His cologne is very compatible with my parfum. Once my levels change, our eau de toilettes may clash and create a foul odor, offending all that surrounds us. When that happens, unpleasantries may be exchanged and our “feelings” will dissipate. At that point, we will agree to move on and smell other people.

WebMD says: “We usually smell best to a person whose genetically based immunity to disease differs most from our own. This could benefit you in the long run, making for stronger, healthier children.” So if you’re in the market for an infertile, sickly partner, go for the person who smells like bad eggs and shoes.

Does this newfound knowledge give you the right to ditch that dud just because he lets one rip? Only if he’s over 30 and still finds it funny or he asks you pull his finger first.